20161205 The Lovers

Call me unromantic but I don’t know if I want to believe in the concept of soul mate.

A couple of days ago, my friend and I talked while she was transforming the back of her hand into a pink lipstick palette at the department store. She recalled how she felt this person back then was her soul mate but turned out to be a douche. She also told me how this other person makes her feel as though he was her actual soul mate, albeit also reminding her of the aforementioned douche. I told her that I don’t want to subscribe to a belief that there is someone out there, someone that you’ve met in several lifetimes over and over, that is connected to you somehow by fate. And if all this red string fiasco is real, then perhaps it’s the most cruel game the universe has ever devised.
Imagine spending lifetimes looking for that person that will complete your jigsaw puzzle heart but you have no idea who he is. Or what. He could be your best friend. Or that beggar you ignore at the footbridge. He could be your dog. Or maybe someone who lives half way across the globe, or even your sworn enemy. Or perhaps, he wasn’t born in this lifetime, so you’ll have to wait for the next.

How can you even know if someone is your soulmate? How can you know if he or she is the one? My friend described the feeling as meeting someone new yet it feels like you’ve met before. I believe that intuition can tell you so much, however, love can also make you feel things beyond logic, and you don’t get to hear the phrase “I feel like I’ve met you before” in countless movies for no reason.

Rather than believing in soul mates, I believe that all of us has this unique vibration that resonate with certain people, thus creating that feeling of “ka-vibes” or familiarity. The same reason why you don’t feel like being with certain people even if you’ve just met them. Perhaps, past lives contribute to those vibrations, but it could also mean that your soul can resonate with more than one people. 

In the end, I don’t want to feel that uncertainty that whoever I’m with isn’t “the one”. Love is a fleeting feeling, but being in a relationship is a decision you have to stick to as long as you feel it’s right. And right now, my vibrations resonate with my boyfriend just fine.

20161201 The Hermit

A friend of mine told me that writing can be one of the most honest conversations you can have with yourself. If that’s the case, then I haven’t talked with myself in full honesty for quite some time now. You see for the past year, I’ve taken the path of the lime light, or perhaps a more drab version of it. I’m no celebrity, but performing poems on stage gave me a sort of a following. And in order to fortify that following (since it also means more frequent events and gigs), I turned my life into an open book, a collection of quotes and photos and event advertisements people can flip through the pages as they please. Hello social media.

Social media became an open window for me and people passing by are free to look at what’s inside, or at least what I want them to see. You see, I’ve learned to filter everything I post online with the fear of criticism and rejection that I feel I’ve betrayed my inner thoughts. I turned myself into a mannequin at the window store, dressing it up with whatever suits other people’s tastes, as a desperate plead for them to buy what’s inside.

I must say, this marketing strategy exhausts me.

But if there’s someone I know that has been writing honestly for himself, it would be my boyfriend. He showed me his blog once and I was able to see a different side of him, something more sincere, something raw. He wrote about the stories he once told me, but interwoven with his own heartstrings. It was beautiful, with all the glitter and fractures. But just this morning, he told me he made his blog private already, even from me. At first, I felt sad. Left out to say the least. Like he doesn’t trust me as much as he did. And I’ve always admitted that I hate the feeling of not being enough. But when he told me he just needed that personal space, I understood him. I have been on stage for a time now that I didn’t realize I badly needed to be in a social bubble just like what he’s been doing.

So that’s the story of how I started this blog. Of course, I won’t be showing it to other people, unless someone finds out about it. Until then, I’ll be having lots of conversations with myself, and I can’t help but be excited.